SO in essence of me turning a new leaf…i thinkin satan was informed and decided to act against it like always. SO he has been trying his darnest. Last week was “student week of prayer” and they built a prayer room. I was meaning to go in last week but never went. A friend told me she had went in and that I NEEDED to go. this morning was rough so i decided to go to the prayer room since i was walking right by it. AS soon as i stepped foot into it. I literally broke down. The walls were covered with cries out to God. It was both hearthbreaking and heart building to know that i am not alone in my struggles. Some where so plain and out there it made me hurt for them more than i do for myself at this moment. Ive been doing some thinking this week and it seems that whenever i have a problem i run to my friends first…i need to change this. I need to cast there burdens upon God and know that he will take care of them. i think i forget that alot. I will find my rest in Him these days. Also, as i walked out the prayer room stupid boy was there. I walked the other way. stupid boy and his coolnesssssss

i think i’m getting sick. my throat is killing me i nice cup of tea b4 class shall do i think 

ive realized ive reached that dark place again i vowed i would never go again, so i’m climbing out of it. Today i stumbled over a sermon that changed my thinking about the place i am now in life. the speaker said that God puts us in places that will trouble us bc all he wants is for us to RELY SOLELY on Him. so as i’m in this place that isnt comfortable, i’m putting my faith in Him and turning my life around. ive made a list i need to stick to

1. EXERCISE MORE. this will be hard bc i’m lazy

2. FIND THE SILVER LINING NO MATTER WHAT. hopefully this will stick

3. NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO OTHERS. i need to get back to be being ok that i’m not like everyone else

4. WAKE UP HAPPY SO I CAN STAY HAPPY. prone to anxiety and depression, this needs to stick

5. EAT HEALTHY. my roomate is good with eating healthy so i will have help with this

6. WRITE MORE AND READ MORE. i think this will help me become myself again. she was an avid reader and writer

7. NO JUDGING. need i say more..this will prob coincide with #3

8. BE MORE PATIENT. nufff said yo

9.  BE OK OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE. be ok away from everyone

10. TRY TO LIVE OUTSIDE OF THE INTERNET.

there you have it. 10 things for 2010. maybe this will push me along and give me confidence

my roommate is having me listen to Enya-adiemus to fall asleep. it soothes me so i can wakeup and get busy with my list

the new onerepublic album is pretty good for a top 40 band i must say

3 points

1) I saw something i want. and i prayed to God about it. The thing i want i saw was out of my reach tonight and i actually got mad. at God? at myself? i’m not quite sure..sadly maybe even both. but as i wrestled with myself all i could think about was this has made me so lost. Not having this makes me feel lost. WHYYY!!?!?!?? when did life get like this. It troubled me all during church tonight. SOOo i watched rob bell….bc ya know life makes sense that way with a good speaker and God. And in “kickball” he is talking about how we want things. Its human nature. But somethings we want isnt the best for us..bc God knows whats best for us and what God has instore for us is waaaaayyyy better than what we want then in there. So i’m holding on to the FACT that my God has something better for me, something WAY better. I know it.

2) The other day in class we were talking bout WHAT IF? and the question came up that what if God and religion and our christianity was not real even if we believe it is. What we get to the end  and it all was a lie. This girl said it would be a cruel joke and we all laughed nervously, but this guy said that if he got all the way to the end and found out it was a lie, he would still feel ok bc he knows he lived a good life. I liked that.

3) earlier i told you i lost myself. i think along the way, i lost God. Not in the way of ive been going off the deep end, but the fact that ive been distant from God. At 1st i wanted to say God left me but that is not true. God is still standing there and i’m making my way back to Him. It’s sad. Ive beeen seeing Him more as a slot machine and not wanting to spend time with Him. my faith has been easily turned on and off when i’m discouraged. i admit it. i hate it.  but I’m turning this around.  I need my God. I need to be with God again and i know everything will fall back into place. grace and peace is added to you as you grow and know God more…

i’m quite in love with ra ra riot right now and still jacks mannequin (WHO BY THE WAY USED MY NAME IN A SONG!! “I NEED YOU”) and then some English punk/pop. But that is not the meaning for this blog, although i could go on and on about music.

Lately ive been thinking alot about my list. Now maybe guys make them too, but we girls have check list. We have list in the back of our minds, or maybe on paper that contains things we look for in a guy. I know…sad. But here is the thing. Ive kinda lived by this list since my last real relationship. i mean yes i’ve gone though a series of crushes since then..actually 3? maybe 4? i’m pretty sure 3. wait no 4! i’m pretty sure. my list has become pretty prestige. And i think ive known all along that. But i think lately ive been toying with the idea of throwing away my list.  i was talking to my roomate and my sister and my nisha we they had good points. Ive always thought throwing away my list meant i’m settling. I dont settle. but then im learning that my list is crazy and why would even go by it. i mean yes there are something that i would actually look for but other things should be trivial and shouldnt matter ya know. So ive thrown away the list. QUE SERA SERA

ra ra riot is tooo cool for schoool

o it was 5 btw.

ANIS MOJGANI-Shake the Dust

This is for the fat girls.
This is for the little brothers.
This is for the school-yard wimps, this is for the childhood bullies who tormented them.
This is for the former prom queen, this is for the milk-crate ball players.
This is for the nighttime cereal eaters and for the retired, elderly Wal-Mart store front door greeters. Shake the dust.

This is for the benches and the people sitting upon them,
for the bus drivers driving a million broken hymns,
for the men who have to hold down three jobs simply to hold up their children,
for the nighttime schoolers and the midnight bike riders who are trying to fly. Shake the dust.
This is for the two-year-olds who cannot be understood because they speak half-English and half-god. Shake the dust.
For the girls with the brothers who are going crazy,
for those gym class wall flowers and the twelve-year-olds afraid of taking public showers,
for the kid who’s always late to class because he forgets the combination to his lockers,
for the girl who loves somebody else. Shake the dust.
This is for the hard men, the hard men who want to love but know that is won’t come.
For the ones who are forgotten, the ones the amendments do not stand up for.
For the ones who are told to speak only when you are spoken to and then are never spoken to. Speak every time you stand so you do not forget yourself.
Do not let a moment go by that doesn’t remind you that your heart beats 900 times a day and that there are enough gallons of blood to make you an ocean.
Do not settle for letting these waves settle and the dust to collect in your veins.
This is for the celibate pedophile who keeps on struggling,
for the poetry teachers and for the people who go on vacations alone.
For the sweat that drips off of Mick Jaggers’ singing lips and for the shaking skirt on Tina Turner’s shaking hips, for the heavens and for the hells through which Tina has lived.
This is for the tired and for the dreamers and for those families who’ll never be like the Cleavers with perfectly made dinners and sons like Wally and the Beaver.
This is for the biggots,
this is for the sexists,
this is for the killers.
This is for the big house, pen-sentenced cats becoming redeemers and for the springtime that always shows up after the winters.
This? This is for you.
Make sure that by the time fisherman returns you are gone.
Because just like the days, I burn both ends and every time I write, every time I open my eyes I am cutting out a part of myself to give to you.
So shake the dust and take me with you when you do for none of this has never been for me.
All that pushes and pulls, pushes and pulls for you.
So grab this world by its clothespins and shake it out again and again and jump on top and take it for a spin and when you hop off shake it again for this is yours.
Make my words worth it, make this not just another poem that I write, not just another poem like just another night that sits heavy above us all.
Walk into it, breathe it in, let is crash through the halls of your arms at the millions of years of millions of poets coursing like blood pumping and pushing making you live, shaking the dust.
So when the world knocks at your front door, clutch the knob and open on up, running forward into its widespread greeting arms with your hands before you, fingertips trembling though they may be.

I think so many times I’m wacthin tv or on facebook and its telling me how to live. I mean Do you really need 34792379402 friends on facebook? does it make you feel anymore popluar? bc chances are, you prob only talk to like 4 of them. I mean facebook bombards you with the fact that “your friends did this…dont you?” or “you friends went out without you…here are pictures to prove it to you” so you go on facebook and stare at all that is happening and know that eve though you have these 34792379402 friends…NONE OF THEM WANT TO TALK TO YOU TONIGHT! also this media feeds you lies and tells you that dude you really need this? or have you ever looked at billboards and thought…wow, NO ONE needs what you are selling. This social media sets our standards and build up our expectations and we feel lost and empty when we dont get it (whatever this “it” is that you THINK you need bc media has told you you need it). right now, the fact that all this is running and ruining  our lives is making me sick. i want escape from it all and not let it control me like it has

i feel very odd right now. it just hit me i’m in a different state. It just hit me that things are going to have to be different starting now. There are days that i felt like breaking down so far, its odd to be somewhere new. i’m learning. …

also i miss my car and starbucks

“you and me could right a bad romance” hahah

i feel like its only necessary i end this year with lady gaga

1) bc i really dont like her but she is EVERYWHERE|

2) bc she took over the planet

3) bc she is everywhere

1) i have failed myself. I have found myself wanting someone around. always. and when it didnt happen i started to doubt myself as a person, as a friend, as a human. and ive never been this way, and quite honestly i shall never be that way again hopefully. this has led me into doubting myself. Countless times i was found on my knees in tears this year bc who i was wasn’t who i have set out to be this whole time. You see dear reader, the way i imagine myself some way other. Someone who is just free and so far i have let myself down. i’m nowhere near the girl i believe i was meant to be.  a friend of mine called me pessimistic this last week and a part of me died. she said that i have caused her to be depressed.  but this is the way i am.  i grew up before my time and so i see things black and white and i see things straight forward. and that is something i love about myself. So i told her God made me this way. He made me see things the way i see things and he made me tooo mature for my age and he made me able to dance for no reason and have spock like emotions. I like the way i am, i would just like to be more free to love and i will work on that. I have a friend who is all about love and i need that this year. in 2010 i want to love and figure out love in my own way. (no dear reader no marriage still and no bf but i want a best friend. i want someone to befriend me bc i’m me and to be my friend despite of all the weird things i do and I know God will help me and allow me that).

this year was a war….BUT….. i cant say this year was a total waste. out of people not wanting me, i became myself more and more. I became me and i can clearly see who i want to become

i always joke to my friends about how Grey’s Anatomy changes my life, makes me think. About my friends, about the people i come in contact with daily…today’s thought….about my life and what i’m doing with it. You see dear reader ive been in a rut. I havent been doing much of anything lately and i had gotten to the point where i didnt care either. but as i sat in the cabin watching the scene of izzie’s wedding, all i could think about was that I havent lived my life. I havent found my bliss, i havent danced in the rain or sat and had conversation over coffee with strangers, or hiked a mountain just to see the sun rise. I need to do these things! a friend of mine just got married and she is my age and as i was talking to her, you could see the happiness radiating off of her every word, bc she was happy. she found her bliss. She was having her great day. I had my going away dinner last night and i was sitting across from a friend and as she laughed about failing her class for the second time, you could tell that even though it was happening, she was still happy. She had found her bliss. Dear reader, i’m not saying i would like to find my bliss in some boy….but to find my bliss in life would be “an awfully great adventure” So i’m plunging into the next chapter in my life, seeking my bliss, enjoying bumps along the way, enjoying people and things. i’m ready and excited for new and change and for a new person to emerge.

-peter pan if you didn’t get the quote

p.s. angels and airwaves make me feel weightless and limitless. They are going on the journey with me i do believe

my bestfriend

my old self

These are the things i have lost this past week.  lately ive been wanting nothing more than a cup of really good fruit juice, a tshirt, and the avett brothers (iandloveandyou is a REALLY good album). My gloves have been replaced. lovely target has gifted me with $1 gloves with the finger tips cut off (yes i hate mittens and i hate my fingertips covered). My best friend. I think we came to a semi-agreement. I was jealous and she didnt want to really be around me . I’m not blaming her, i actually admitted to being jealous  and she admitted to ditching me. So i good. I’m out. I’m done with all these endings of friendships. I have a list, i dont want his list to go on anymore.  She was right, she became the friend we promised to protect each other from.  My old self has been replaced. I liked that my old self has been replaced.  Ive been rebelling against who i have been. At this stage in my life, my rebellion is nothing short of the normal. I will say that this rebellion is something not so normal for me. I usually rebel like the norm, goth or rock (middle school and teenage angst). My rebellion now is more of a organized and independent. It is more me coming into my existence. Where this came from, i’m at a lost. But i’m happy it has happened. I truly want to become my own.

its finals week. Well actually its mid finals week. One down one to go .  pray for me will ya?

Have you done all the Christmas shopping yet dear reader? i know i havent. i will next week though, one finals are done and the last 2 wisdom teeth are you. i promise.

.

O and something corporate has issued a statement, the will be playing at bamboozle left in 2010. Pic above is Andrew mcmahon with long hair These are the minds of the best song “konstantine”

yes yes that is FF5 love addict, nothing to do with how i’m feeling at the moment.

i need you to know dear reader that i have turned bitter. Really really bitter and i need your prayers. Every little thing is getting to me, from stupid roadrage teenage drivers to me getting frustrated about who to eat and just not eating. Ive become bitter. Im despising everyone and everything that breathes. Ive been like this sometimes ago  (see previous blogs) and i know i shall one day move past whatever is plaguing me, and i know what it is, bc sometimes only 1 thing can make you feel this way…ya know?

however, throughout this bitterness my faith in God isnt wavering like it should. Something tells me i will make it through all this with his help. . .

I shall make it through this black hole of a life. . . .